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Dependence

Submitted by Clentin on Tue, 2024-06-25 11:04

Since the very day I was born
My dependence began

My mother and father taught me
How to crawl and walk
To read and write
To respect adults
And to believe in prayer

My brothers and sisters taught me
Ways to interact as a family
How to deal with pain, with love
They succeeded in developing a unit
That would provide caring, safety and hope

My teachers taught me
How to read
And write more effectively
How to interact with other students
How to achieve my goals

My church taught me about God
About love, about hate and sin
It taught me about treating others
As we wanted to be treated
It provided me with hope

My friends taught me the rights
And wrongs of everyday existence
They expressed the need to interact
With others on a daily basis
Friends often exposed mistakes made

My job taught me how to work effectively
How to accept responsibility through work
Work provided the necessary income
And how to manage the money
Work allowed me to learn the rules of the world

My dependence upon family, friends, church and work
Will continue until my last day

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 06/23/24 to 06/29/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-06-25 17:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Dependence" provides a clear narrative about the speaker's journey of learning and growth through various stages of life. However, there are a few areas that could be improved to enhance the overall impact and depth of the poem.

1. Show, Don't Tell: The poem primarily tells the reader what the speaker has learned from different sources, but it lacks vivid imagery or metaphors that could make these lessons more tangible and engaging. For instance, instead of saying "My mother and father taught me how to crawl and walk," the poem could use a metaphor or simile to convey this idea in a more evocative way.

2. Variation in Sentence Structure: The poem uses a repetitive sentence structure, which can create a rhythmic effect but also risks becoming monotonous. Varying the sentence structure could add dynamism and surprise to the poem.

3. Depth of Emotion: The poem could delve deeper into the speaker's emotional responses to these lessons. How did they feel when they learned these things? What emotions did these experiences evoke?

4. Use of Abstract Concepts: The poem frequently refers to abstract concepts like "love," "hate," and "sin." While these are universal themes, they could be grounded in specific, concrete images or experiences to make them more relatable and impactful.

5. Conclusion: The poem ends with a statement about the speaker's ongoing dependence on family, friends, church, and work. This is a strong thematic conclusion, but it could be enhanced by tying back to the poem's opening lines or by introducing a new, unexpected insight.

Overall, the poem has a clear theme and narrative, but could benefit from more vivid imagery, varied sentence structure, deeper emotional exploration, concrete examples, and a stronger conclusion.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2024-06-25 14:44

This almost reads...

as a prayer. Nothing to criticize, no comments to make, just a good reminder of some of the good things to be found in life. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Clentin

Tue, 2024-06-25 18:14

Thank you for reading. I was

Thank you for reading. I was reviewing what it means to be dependent on others, on situations on life.

author comment

Neopoet

Dependence