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Dying Tree

Submitted by Depressed 1 on Sun, 2022-07-24 02:38

If you perchance go looking for me

You will find me under a dying tree

You will find me hanging around

About six feet above the ground

No one will miss me that I know

Nor understand why I had to go

Had a love I thought was true

She left me for someone I knew

The water that now does fall

Has no salt in it, no none at all

My heart from my chest was tore

Now I can feel pain no more

If you decide to cut me down

Bury me six feet underground

Where no one will ever find me

Buried beneath a dying tree

Review Request (Intensity):

Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

Neopopem Of The Week July 24 through July 30th 2022

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Rosewood Apothecary

Sun, 2022-07-24 06:09

Nice work

You’re a good writer. It’s tough subject matter to critique. I’ll offer some in a few. I feel you. This is a really supportive community here. If you ever feel like writing isn’t enough and you need to talk, my inbox is open, I mean that. I’m not always on but I’m checking in every few hours. I’m glad you’re here sharing with us.

Now

My heart from my chest was tore(torn)

Now I can feel pain no more

So obviously “was tore” is incorrect grammatically, the reader knows what you mean.

One suggestion: just use torn. I think torn and more are a soft rhymes anyway.

Another:

My heart from my chest this tore

Now I can feel pain no more

Or:

My heart from my chest it tore

Now I can feel pain no more

You could also just leave it alone because it’s pretty damn good. Thanks for sharing your work here with us.

My inbox is open if you’re ever feeling down,
Tim

Depressed 1

Mon, 2022-07-25 05:32

Thanks

Thanks Tim I appreciate the offer and advice. I really do and I will keep it in mind.

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2022-07-24 09:47

I am in agreement...

with Rosewood's assessment. This could use just a little bit of adjustment.
I would suggest:

My heart from chest is surely tore
And now, I feel the pain no more.

As always, our suggestions are purely that; suggestions, use them or not or even decide that you have come up with something better from something we've said. Good luck in the contest. ~ Geezer.
.,

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Depressed 1

Mon, 2022-07-25 05:36

Thanks

Thanks for the suggestions. I just feel down sometimes and I feel that writing is the best way to let it out.

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2022-07-24 10:09

hello,

I see that the top advisors are on the job! you've been given good advice. nice to meet you!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Depressed 1

Mon, 2022-07-25 05:37

Thanks Cat

Thanks Cat for the comment.

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment

Obadiah Grey

Sun, 2022-07-24 10:28

Hiya, Dep 1..

Well, I guess you wrote this as a sort of cathartic salve,
again, well,,
you've happened upon a poetic turn!

May sound silly but it brought to mind the early folk lyrics of Woody Guthrie,
I'd just go with the flow but try not to make writing too exclusively personal.

Hope you stick around !!

Obi.

Depressed 1

Mon, 2022-07-25 05:38

Thanks

Thanks Obi. Actually I was thinking of folk music when I wrote this poem.

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment

RoseBlack

Mon, 2022-07-25 18:42

Hi Depressed

Nicely written. It is an emotionally charged topic and I am glad you are comfortable enough with us to share. I will echo Tim's statement and my inbox is always open if you need someone to listen.

~RoseBlack~

Depressed 1

Tue, 2022-07-26 05:54