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Garden of Eden
How was Eve to know that the serpent was untrustworthy? She who had only known love and faithfulness, who had lived by trusting Adam?
And how was I to know that you were trustworthy? I who had known only deceit and betrayal, who lived trusting no one but myself?
Serpent and you, Eve and me. Perhaps I am the serpent in your story, preying on your naïveté. Or perhaps you are molding me into Eve, a girl who can trust without limits.
Your love for me is the apple for Eve. The one thing I’ll risk myself for.
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How was my language use?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-05-31 03:13
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Garden of Eden" utilizes biblical allusions effectively to explore themes of trust, deception, and self-perception. The parallelism between Eve's story and the speaker's personal narrative adds depth to the poem, creating a layered exploration of human relationships.
However, the poem could benefit from more concrete imagery. While the metaphor of the apple is clear, additional tangible details could help to ground the abstract concepts and make the emotions more palpable to the reader.
The poem also seems to rely heavily on the reader's prior knowledge of the biblical story. While this is a common practice in allusive poetry, it may limit the poem's accessibility to readers unfamiliar with the story of Adam and Eve. Consider providing more context or explanation within the poem itself to ensure that the intended meaning is clear to all readers.
Lastly, the poem's structure could be refined to enhance its rhythm and flow. Currently, the poem reads more like prose than poetry. Experimenting with line breaks, stanza divisions, and poetic devices such as rhyme and meter could enhance the poem's musicality and overall impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Fri, 2024-05-31 09:32
In reading...
what the AI says about providing more context and/or explanation to the poem, and making changes, I am reminded of the old adage: "You can't please everybody all of the time", If you try, you will wind up, not pleasing anyone". I do agree, that you might try to set the form up so that it is more readable. Stanzas, line breaks, or whatever. ~ Geezer.
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hippiemoon
Sun, 2024-06-02 08:15
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice!! I’ll definitely look at where I can break some lines up.
Best,
hippiemoon
the moon and the stars made us who we are <3
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