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King Arthur's Knights (subject and Style Critique WS)~Sonnet~
Around the table knights of courage meet,
respect would lead to Arthur's knighthood court.
Their dishes, full of risks they'll sure defeat.
The good against the bad - the ills abort.
On golden dishes Arthur's knights would serve
their hearts to satisfy a hungry soul.
No accolades or medals sought, but crave,
for fairness, justice - nobler deeds in all.
But myth or truth no one could still confirm,
the legend says that Arthurs' knights are shadows,
while other tales would nonetheless affirm,
that man of honor lives and always glows.
Their history, a tapestry-implies,
The best of deeds shall live, and die the lies.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Jordan
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Comments
alidzain
Tue, 2015-05-19 09:42
Salam, Rula
I thought the first two quatrains are to emphasize a prob or a dark situation, followed by a twist or a solution in the third quatrain (that is IF I remember correctly from your workshop, if I'm wrong, I apologize). I didn't really see the "problem" part here and thus I missed the twist in the third stanza but I liked the ending. Perhaps it is due to my poor understanding in the sonnet writing style that led me to think this way. I don't know. I've posted mine and still not happy with it as well. Need everyone's help. :((
Alid
Rula
Tue, 2015-05-19 15:49
Not necessarily
a problem Khalid. This could be more obvious and true in the Patrarchan sonnet. The most important in the Shakespearian sonnet is to notice a twist or a turning point in line 9 and that what I tried to do here.
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author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2015-05-19 20:34
title? typo I'm sure you mean 'king'
As for the subject - your use of dishes as an euphemism for something - your meaning of that something is lost on me - but that might just be me
The volta seems a little weak to me....
And the use of a feminine line on its own detracts from the meter.... it is usually a good idea to make the rhyming verse feminine too - just imo of course...
Rhyme falls short of perfect, with two syllable words rhyming with one
- meet/defeat, court/abort, shadows/glows
But the couplet is fine with implies/the lies
Sorry Rula, I like the write very much - but this is shark pool :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Wed, 2015-05-20 02:14
thank you Judy
For the shark's feedback. It's why I am here :)
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author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2015-05-19 23:51
First,
I don't have a problem with single syllable words rhyming with double.
As per instructions... this feels like it was written quickly with little edit. The language is sometimes confusing-
"fresh forever pass".
However, I thought it a novel way of using your "thing".
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Rula
Wed, 2015-05-20 02:20
Thank you sir
Nothing was written in a haste (the typo in the title happened as I decided to change before I was going to sleep) :(
I edited many times before submitting but I struggled with that specific verse you've pointed out.
I'try to see if I can come up with anything better.
Appreciate your feedback.
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author commentPugilist
Wed, 2015-05-20 19:40
Good imagery
Although I struggled a bit with some of the language, most notably the same line Wesley highlighted, "forever pass," I thought the gist was clear and the flow nearly unimpeded.
The feminine ending of line 10 caught me unawares and I stumbled a bit there for the same reason Judyanne mentioned, but I thought it was a clever choice. I also do not mind multiple syllable words rhyming with fewer syllable words, it's one of the things I believe aids in breaking the sing-song recitation that is the default of many people.
Overall, I believe this is a good effort. Solid narrative, clear story, and operating within the bounds of the workshop.
I will be interested to see your edits.
---------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan Moore
Rula
Thu, 2015-05-21 04:32
Many thanks Johnathan and all
Stanza two almost re-written. I think it reads much better now. What do you think sharks?
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author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2015-05-21 10:44
"but fair and justice -
"but fair and justice - nobler deeds and all."
I don't like the way you use "fair". Try "but fairness, justice- nobler deeds (in) all."
Otherwise, it is another in a growing list of fine sonnets you have been producing of late.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Rula
Thu, 2015-05-21 13:33
Sir!
Can't thank you enough for your compliment.
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author commentjudyanne
Thu, 2015-05-21 10:55
great edit Rula
But serve and rave do not rhyme to my ear....
The euphemism re the dishes makes more sense to me now - lol - I don't know if is the edit, or if my mind is clearer this read :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2015-05-21 13:37
Judy
Thanks for coming with more thoughts. More edits done to rhyme with "rave". So happy to know it reads better to everyone now.
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author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2015-05-21 19:54
I noticed a number of missed rhymes,
but considering the pace and my recent "looseness" I overlooked them. I'm glad Judyanne did not.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about