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Low-Down Alcoholic Criminal

Submitted by Carrie on Mon, 2024-07-15 01:16

G C
Ain’t got nothing in my pockets,
G D
Ain’t got nothing here to hide,
G C
Ain’t got nothing in my heart,
D G
ain’t got nothing on my side.

G C
I got headaches from a-thinking,
G D
I got headaches from the start,
G C
Wish I hadn’t gone on drinking,
G D G
Wish I’d listened to my heart.

Chorus:
C G
‘Cause I’m a low down alcoholic criminal.
C G
‘Cause I’m a low down itty bitty dag.
C G
But I’ll tell ya! If it wasn’t for the Bourbons,
C D G
Life would be one big fuckin’ drag.

G C
Went and had a drink, did a robbery,
G D
Because of what I did, I got time,
G C
but I. Ever will forget the look on my face,
G D G
When I found myself inside for that crime.

G C
Shouldn’t have got caught, should’ve got away,
G D
Shouldn’t have got caught, but what the hell,
G C
That’s one day of my life with some adventure,
G D G
That’s one day of my life that wasn’t hell.

[chorus]

I’ve been told by my lawyer,
Could get 8 months to 3 years,
But what the bloody hell, I don’t care now,
At least my hair can grow over my ears.

G C
When I get out of Bandyland,
G D
when I’ve done my time and I’m free,
G C
Better not go and start up drinking,
G G
Might get drunk and do a robbery.

How many screws does it take to ramp one room,
How many screws to do a bust,
How many times will we laugh at them,
‘Cause we know they’re far too straight to think like us.

The answer, my friends,
Is that room ramps will not end,
The answer is to drive ‘em round the bend.

How many pieces of fruit will they take,
How many more pieces we’ll put back,
And when they are ramping and find some more,
I’m sure they give each other a dap;
Oh, and how many times they look in one place,
In case that something else should turn up,
Oh, and how many thermies they opened up and smelled,
Oh, and how many times they sniff our cups.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thank you for reading. :)
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 07/14/24 to 07/20/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-07-15 07:20

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem employs a narrative style, using the first-person perspective to explore the experiences of a character who is a self-proclaimed "low down alcoholic criminal." The structure of the poem, with its chorus and verses, suggests it might be intended as a song or ballad, which is a popular form for storytelling in poetry.

The language used in the poem is informal and colloquial, which contributes to the authenticity of the character's voice. However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of imagery and metaphor to create a more vivid and engaging narrative. For example, the line "Wish I hadn’t gone on drinking" could be rephrased with a metaphor or simile to convey the regret more powerfully.

The poem uses repetition effectively in the chorus to emphasize the character's self-identification. However, the repetition of "shouldn’t have got caught" in the verse starting with "Shouldn’t have got caught, should’ve got away" feels redundant and doesn't add new information or insights to the narrative. It might be more effective to replace one of these lines with a new idea or detail about the character's experience.

The poem's rhythm and meter are somewhat irregular, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. If the poem is intended to be a song, it would be beneficial to ensure a consistent rhythm to facilitate its musical setting.

The poem's ending seems to shift focus from the main character's experiences to a critique of the prison system. This shift is somewhat abrupt and could be more effectively integrated into the rest of the poem. For example, the character could express these criticisms in the context of their own experiences, rather than presenting them as general observations.

Overall, the poem has a strong narrative voice and explores a unique perspective. With some revisions to enhance the imagery, streamline the repetition, and integrate the ending more smoothly, it could be even more engaging and effective.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Mon, 2024-07-15 22:52

Lavender's picture
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Hello, Carrie,
The title brought me in. I feel the remorse mixed in with an attitude of acceptance and cynicism. There is nothing hidden here - it is straightforward and very genuine. I did look up a few words that appear to be part of Australian informal language, and I will plead ignorance to the origin and meaning of Bandyland. I'm sure it is significant, and, even at the risk of embarrassing myself, would really like to know. I appreciate the chords and will try this out! Will read again after your response.
Thank you, Carrie!
L

Carrie

Mon, 2024-08-05 00:21

Carrie's picture

Thanks for your comment. :) Bandyland is actually Bandyup women's prison in Guildford, West Australia.

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2024-08-05 11:34

Lavender's picture
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I appreciate your explanation. It is definitely significant in your poem.
Thank you!
L

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