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Miles of Blues...

Submitted by Geezer on Fri, 2024-03-22 15:06

He sings of phones and traveling,
a voice of loneliness and blues.
He sings and wishes desperately,
that he could be with you.

Those bars and stages all lit up,
still don't let you see,
the words he sings, in baritone,
he didn't get them free.

He's paid for each and every line,
with an aching, torn up heart.
He thought he wanted freedom,
he let his marriage fall apart.

Somewhere deep in Texas,
he let her get away.
She left without a word,
there was nothing more to say.

"No more bars and honky-tonks,
no living on the road."
She wanted the life of normal,
but he wasn't ever sold.

So, tonight, he sings of loneliness,
of memories, and such.
The lights shine bright, but don't expose him,
and there's a place that they can't touch.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Thought I would write of a male voice this time.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 03/17/24 to 03/23/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-03-22 21:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Miles of Blues" presents a narrative of a lonely singer, which is a common trope in poetry and music, particularly in the blues genre. The use of this trope is effective in evoking a sense of melancholy and longing. The poem's structure is consistent, with four-line stanzas and a mostly regular rhyme scheme, which helps to create a rhythm that mirrors the musical theme.

However, the poem could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery. For example, instead of saying "he sings of phones and traveling," the poem could describe the sound of a ringing phone or the sight of a highway stretching into the distance. This would make the singer's experiences more tangible to the reader.

Additionally, the poem's language is somewhat clichéd at times, such as "scars upon his heart" and "the bright light of the day." Using more original and unexpected language could make the poem more engaging and memorable.

Finally, the poem's theme of regret and lost love is clear, but it could be developed further. The poem tells us that the singer let his love "drift apart," but it doesn't delve into why he made this choice or how he feels about it now. Exploring these questions could add depth to the poem and make the singer's character more complex and relatable.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Jakub Zoltowski

Sat, 2024-03-23 00:07

I do like it Norbert the Pigeon :)

Geezer

Sat, 2024-03-23 10:23

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for helping me make this a better piece. It was kind of flat, and now, I think it sings. ~ Geez.
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author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2024-03-25 22:01

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Hello, Geezer,
This reminds me a bit of Bob Seger's "Turn The Page." I feel the deep loneliness - what's gained and what is lost. The last stanza is full of pretty raw emotion.
I really enjoyed this bluesy piece!
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Mon, 2024-03-25 23:30

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I see that resemblance. Thank you for your read and comments. I'm glad that you liked this one. Mark and the AI helped me make it better. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Tue, 2024-03-26 15:08

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You make no mention of it specifically, but I feel a saxophone crying out. So nice...
L

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-03-26 06:00

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I like the title very much. I think you tell the story of this man's life very well! I am glad for having read it. My favorite lines are:

Those bars and stages all lit up,
still don't let you see,
the words he sings, in baritone,
he didn't get them free.

a lot of soul in this piece!

*hugs, Cat

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Geezer

Tue, 2024-03-26 13:56

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As Lavender has said, I must have channeled Bob Seger, and "Turn the Page." I love the pure emotion of the blues.
All the great Blues masters have been able to wring the emotion from their hearts and pour it on the page and through the microphone. I spent a couple of weeks in New Orleans in my early twenties and got to see some of the best in those little seedy cafes, among them B.B. King. Thank you for the mention of your favorite lines. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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