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The other girl

Submitted by Viviana Smith on Sun, 2023-04-30 18:16

You made me hate that JVKE song
That everyone seems to know
Cuz you made the song reality
And really put on a show

I guess I got carried away
I fell right into your trap
You lured me in with kisses
And by laying in my lap

I wish I could know what I do now
That falling in love isn't the end
You didn’t want to be my lover
You didn’t want to be my friend

So I guess all I can do now is cry
and think of those questions that always comes to mind

Who was she?
Why not me?
If i'm not your type
Why'd you let my stay the night

What’s her name?
What her game?
Was she enough?
Did you find love?

yeah I’m done with you and all your friends
This story book has come to an end
You may be pretty but you sure ain’t nice
And now you gotta pay the price

Cuz I’ll never be the other girl

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week Contest April 30th To May 6th 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-04-30 18:16

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The other girl" speaks of unrequited love and the pain that comes with it. The poet expresses her frustration and sadness towards the person who led her on and ultimately chose someone else over her.

The use of the JVKE song as a metaphor for the situation is effective, as it highlights the way that the other person turned the poet's life into a real-life version of the song. The repetition of questions towards the end of the poem adds to the emotional impact, as the poet struggles to understand why she wasn't chosen.

However, some of the language used in the poem feels a bit cliche and could benefit from more original phrasing. Additionally, the line "You sucked me in with kisses" could be edited to "You lured me in with kisses" to avoid the negative connotations of the word "sucked."

Overall, "The other girl" effectively conveys the pain of unrequited love, but could benefit from more original language and a few minor edits.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Triskelion

Sun, 2023-04-30 19:34

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..being politically incorrect or off the mark..
You Go Girl!
I enjoyed your rhyming metrical poem. Often times the lyrics in popular songs are not what makes them popular, so it's not always advisable for someone with unique perception to buy into the lyrics too deeply.
"So I guess all I can do now cry" seems to want the word "is"
Good luck to you!

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

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