Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Rain Vision

Submitted by paleoray on Mon, 2023-10-02 17:26

Peering through the lattice chains
Of transformed lucent windowpanes;
The pelting water blurs my view
Of lights down on the avenue.

Racing droplets filled with light,
From flashing neon signs at night;
All sparkle, bubbling up like soap,
As jewels in a kaleidoscope.

Pounding torrents fast then slow,
That splatter, splashing to and fro;
Make tempered tinted glass to streak,
While moisture levels reach their peak.

Gazing past the shower’s tears,
I ruminate those splendid years;
When once our love was bright and new,
And all my shine was filled by you.

Flashing back through time and space,
I rain with tears upon your face;
As cancer takes the love I see,
While stealing all the light in me.

Passing on, the shower goes,
With all its dazzling diamond shows;
And, as the ghost rains disappear,
My view again grows painfully clear.

Last few words:

I took to heart the initial critique offered on this poem and as a result, I made a few revisions. Thank you.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

October 2023 Challenge Write a poem about being caught in a rain storm

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-10-02 23:30

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Rain Vision" is a vivid and descriptive exploration of a rain-soaked cityscape viewed through a window. The use of imagery and metaphor is strong, effectively conveying the transformation of the ordinary into the extraordinary through the lens of rain.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. Firstly, the rhythm of the poem is somewhat inconsistent. While the majority of the poem follows a rhythmic pattern, there are lines such as "Cause panes of glass to smear and streak," that disrupt this pattern. Ensuring a consistent rhythm throughout the poem would enhance its musicality and flow.

Secondly, the use of the word "cause" in the same line seems to be grammatically incorrect. It would be more appropriate to use "causes" to match the singular subject "splatter, splashing".

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a deeper exploration of its central metaphor. While the transformation of the cityscape through rain is beautifully described, the poem does not delve into the implications of this transformation. Exploring the symbolic or emotional significance of this transformation could add depth to the poem.

In conclusion, while the poem is rich in imagery and metaphor, improvements could be made in terms of rhythm, grammar, and thematic depth.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2023-10-03 00:50

I agree...

with the AI on the point of rhythm, I thought that it went quite well, except for a few places.
I think you could add a syllable or two here and there and make this flow quite well in those places
where it seems to stumble:

Racing droplets, skins filled with light

Oh, pounding torrents, fast then slow

Of course, as always my ideas are just suggestions, you may have your own thoughts.
Nicely done, ~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Geezer

Wed, 2023-10-04 16:25

One last critique...

I think you could do without the last syllable on [painfully], you could just say [painful] and I think it would still express your thought very well. ~ Geez
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Thu, 2023-10-26 21:03

Rain Vision

Hello, paleoray,
A tender poem. The last two stanzas are piercing and earnest. Strong title.
Thank you,
L

paleoray

Fri, 2023-10-27 22:29

Thank you Lavender for

Thank you Lavender for visiting this poem today and for sharing your kind feedback. I’m glad that you enjoyed the poem.

author comment

Neopoet

Rain Vision