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Seventy and Five...

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2023-05-16 00:04

There's jobs I've had, jobs I've wanted
there's ones I've never tried
I've worked a lot of the hard ones
indoors and those outside

I've been a paperboy, a roofer
cut wood and mowed some lawns
Worked in factories, sprayed trees
got up at the crack of dawn

Muddy footprints down my trail
oh, the paths that I have trod
There's some that I would eschew
there were plenty that were odd

There's been accidents and karma
escaping Doctor Death
I've pushed too hard many times
through pursed lips, I drew my breath

Lady luck has been on my side
I'll hazard just a guess
She must be, I think you'll see
for my life has been a mess

I look back, thinking once again
how am I still alive?
But today has brought me here
to seventy and five

Thank the fates and whatever
be it god or just plain luck
I'm here, not in a lonely grave
I think that fate would suck

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-05-16 00:04

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

/10

The poem "Seven Score and Five..." is a contemplative reflection on the author's life experiences and the various jobs they have held. The language is simple and straightforward, with a focus on the hard work and challenges that the author has faced. The use of colloquial language, such as "crack of dawn" and "muddy footprints," adds a personal touch and makes the poem relatable.

One suggested line edit would be to change "there were plenty that were odd" to "there were some that were odd," as the former feels slightly repetitive with "plenty" being used earlier in the same stanza.

Overall, the poem is a nice reminder to be grateful for the ups and downs in life and to appreciate the fact that we are still here. However, it falls short in terms of poetic craft and could benefit from more attention to imagery, metaphor, and other literary devices to elevate the language and make the poem more engaging.

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Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-05-16 05:30

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The poem is a great reflection on the writers life. I enjoyed the rhyming scheme and thought it worked particularly well.

Each verse leads the reader onward through the poets trades and life which is revealed throughout each verse. My only suggestion is in the final line and to avoid repetaing the word that. I would change it to that fate or an alternative word that could add depth, demise, end, finale, exit, job? Love it, really well done Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Geezer

Tue, 2023-05-16 09:17

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I was going to change the word to [really] but, it didn't add anything to the poem and actually made it more predictable and boring; so, I used the word you provided, as it [fate] at least gives it a little bit of something. Today is my birthday, and for some reason, [fate] LoL, has decided that I never have a really good one. Something always happens, so now, I simply don't celebrate it to any extent. I've found that I do better when I stay home, and just hang out watching T.V., sleep, and otherwise amuse myself. Thank you for the read and comment. ~ Geezer.
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author comment

Triskelion

Tue, 2023-05-16 10:17

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As usual, your word usage, rhythm and pacing is adept. I'm always attracted to your writing because of your use of rhyme. There is more than enough of other poetry to make sound structure stand out when the subject matter is as interesting and relatable as most of your work is.

Not sure about the title, but if 7scoreand5 reflects your age, you should call Guinness (not the beer). I admit, I sometimes feel older than I am, but that age would make me crusty, I imagine....crumbly, even.

Cheers!

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Geezer

Tue, 2023-05-16 13:05

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forgot that a score is twenty years, not ten! Thanks for the read, comments and reminder! ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Triskelion

Tue, 2023-05-16 20:05

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..and feelin' alive! Happy Birthday!

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Geezer

Tue, 2023-05-16 22:03

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for the birthday wishes. Yeah, had a nice relaxing day and feeling alive! ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Tue, 2023-05-16 15:18

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Happy Birthday, Geezer!
A great reflection of your life and the different hats you've worn and peaks and valleys through the years. All in all, seems you have more gratitude than regret.
Many more birthdays, and I look forward to next year's Seventy and Six!
L

Geezer

Tue, 2023-05-16 22:28

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the birthday wishes! Yes, I have always said; "If I had the chance to go back and do it all again, but couldn't change anything,
I would say, "Let's go, I've had enough good out of all my life, versus the bad, that it would be worth the trip"! Besides, how do you know that you have it good, if you have never had it bad? And, I look forward to the seventy-six too! Thanks again, ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Alex Tanner

Wed, 2023-05-17 11:25

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Another Nail in the coffin of Life. Alex

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