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FOR SURELY YOU (AIR)

Submitted by Entend2u on Thu, 2022-02-03 05:59

Because I have not seen you all these days,
Living only by the thought of you,
Eking out the trickle of your memory
Bit by bit,
Like grains of drying sand,
Savouring all the tailings
And the wispy ends
Which sink to earth
And flurry in the furrows of this land
Like drying wings
On the carcass of dead bees,

Because of this I ache for you.

So is this love or wonder?

Because I have not seen you all these days;
From March to March;
From the ticking of a clock
To its’ slow, beating, death;
Before the building of a shore
Until it slips beneath the wave;
From tide to tide and breath to breath;
Between the taking of one step
And the walking of the longest trail;
From baby’s eyes to the dull, unseeing, coin:
Because of all these things,
And because I have not touched your lips
Nor smelt you in the heat of love,
And because I have no soul
(for surely YOU are all I call my soul),
I have no life but music and the stars
And I have no thoughts for us to share
Save this……poor……litany
……of despair.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
These are notes applying to all my poems not just this one. Please tell me what you think I was trying to say in the poem (sometimes it is obvious of course). If you think there is a sub text or hidden agenda in the poem please say what you think it is. If a line seems obscure to you please say which line and what you think it means.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2022-02-03 10:36

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I was thinking the first part of this is about Spring and the beginning
of a new growing season, mainly because in the next portion of the poem, you say, from March.
to March. Otherwise, it could be about someone who is gone for a year at a time.

[Last line of the first portion, [carcass]

It seems that you are trying to relate your love of an anonymous person to the season of Spring
in the second part. Knowing that you cannot keep Spring from going into the next phase and
therefore, ruing your love. It is intriguing and makes one try to see what you see.
Welcome to Neopoet and I love your requests. I think you will find a lot of comments and
occasionally, some deep thoughts and critique. Good luck and again, welcome. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Entend2u

Fri, 2022-02-04 05:52

Thanks for the comments, Geezer (and the corrected spelling of "carcass"). The phrase "from March to March" is more a reference to the passing of time than to spring specifically (and there is a play on the word "march" as in time marching along). However, you have hit upon an underlying influence when you refer to the seasons because there are echoes of T S Eliot's "Little Gidding" in my poem which deals with time and seasonality.

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2022-02-05 09:25

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so well versed in the mechanics of poetry, since my memory is faulty [too many bangs to the head in my younger years], I have taken many workshops and done well, but forget most of them and if you ask me about them, I have to review it before I can answer questions about them. I still know what I like, and I like your work. I hope that you find Neopoet is what you have been looking for. We are a family of poets that try to help each other gain the expertise and confidence to write good poetry.
Again, welcome to our family. ~ Geezer.
P.S. If you think your poem is long, you ought to read some of my "Killer" poems.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Entend2u

Sat, 2022-02-05 10:14

Thanks Geezer
Will

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Ray Whitaker

Thu, 2022-02-03 19:11

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Long poem! I could tell you were from the UK by your choices of words…

So nice to read folk’s work from another country than mine! I am appreciative that this site has folk on it from all over.

I like the use of white space, and the parentheses. Phrases in them are not always parenthetical…

I am looking forward to reading more of your work here.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Entend2u

Fri, 2022-02-04 05:56

Thanks Ray. It's one of my longer poems but many of my poems are much shorter - brief and to the point. I'll post a short one next.

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Triskelion

Fri, 2022-02-04 11:09

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Personally, I think this piece would be much better served as a sonnet. It has fitting language and ambience. I wish writers with your skill would step it up.

Cheers.
Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Entend2u

Fri, 2022-02-04 11:35

Thanks Thomas.
You make an interesting point. I am in awe of sonnets such as Shakespeare's and John Donne but I am never confident enough to shape (some of my) my poems into sonnet form. Hopefully I will learn to do so on Neopoet.
Will

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