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Thundersnow...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2023-11-30 15:37

Thundersnow rumbles
as you flee through the night
Your soul reeks of fear
to the old one's delight

How dare you to live
and take pleasure again?
Do you dare to be happy
be alive, with no pain?

The monster within you
is dormant and sleeps
"Here, in my heart sir
is the love that I keep"

It's old and so moldy,
A bit ancient, I'm sure
but I'll bet that it works
for once it was pure...

In ellipitcal orbits,
near and then far
swing planets like ours
between shooting stars

I may flame without glory
fall from this sky
without notice from any
whenever I die

But I still have to say
that it's really been fun
my living with junkies
of rhyming and puns

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-11-30 21:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem presents a vivid narrative with a strong emotional core, utilizing metaphors and imagery effectively to convey its themes. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency: The poem seems to shift themes abruptly. It starts with a sense of fear and flight, moves to introspection about happiness and pain, then to a metaphor about an old love, and finally to a cosmic metaphor. While each section is interesting in its own right, they don't seem to connect to each other in a clear way. The poem might benefit from a more consistent theme or a clearer transition between themes.

2. Rhyme and Rhythm: The poem uses a variety of rhyme schemes and rhythms, which can make it feel disjointed. Consistency in rhyme and rhythm can help to make a poem feel more cohesive and can enhance its overall impact.

3. Clarity: Some lines are somewhat cryptic, such as "my living with junkies of rhyming and puns". While it's good to leave some things to the reader's interpretation, too much ambiguity can make a poem difficult to understand.

4. Use of Metaphors: The poem uses a variety of metaphors, from the "monster within you" to "elliptical orbits". While these metaphors are interesting, they could be developed further to add more depth to the poem.

5. Language: The language in the poem is generally effective, but there are a few places where it could be more precise. For example, "Your soul reeks of fear" could be made more specific to give a clearer sense of what the fear is about.

In conclusion, the poem has a lot of potential and with some revisions, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2023-12-01 10:42

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The shift in theme comes from the advent of a thunderstorm,
I must have utilized the real storm to impel the theme.
One of my favorite weather-people has a 'thing' for Thunderstorms with snow!
Hence, the title 'Thundersnow'.

Consistency: The transition is a bit abrupt, but it is a poem, and you can't go on too long with one subject in a story-poem.

Rhyme and rhythm: This is meant to be an oral tale, which must necessarily emphasize variants of strength, pauses and meter.

Clarity: The clarity of this line should be very obvious, as this is a poetry site, and this is a poem. [rhyming and puns] Duh?

Metaphors: I'm not sure that developing these particular ones; are paramount to understanding that they mean.
The person you have this conversation with, is another side to your personality, and elliptical orbits, will take you out a long way before bringing you back again.

Language: Again, not sure about where you are going with the claim about the language needing to be clearer and/or
where it comes from. It might genuinely be all about the storm. ~ Geezer.
.

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author comment

RoseBlack

Thu, 2023-11-30 15:52

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Of a once loving man, turned bitter and jaded. Maybe he is trying to rekindle who he was before it's too late...wishing for a happier end of life so the after can be good too. I like this and the message behind it. Good job

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Thu, 2023-11-30 17:33

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has found love and commitment, a man who put the monster to sleep, with the love in his heart.
Thank you for the read and comment, I'm glad that you see what I was going for. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Thu, 2023-11-30 18:12

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Hi, Geezer,
Really liked this. The rhythm and rhyme were very good. I liked the title - such a rare phenomenon, much like taming a monster with real love. Very clever final stanza!
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Fri, 2023-12-01 10:52

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I'm glad that you enjoyed it. The final stanza is a little tribute to the support that I get from my wife and Neo. in my quest for peace and contentment. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2023-12-02 05:27

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I personally relate to every verse of this piece! therefor I cannot choose favorite lines to set above the rest. Completely cohesive!

My monster lives in the basement, chained and tethered! She feeds me her hate and fears. it is good to know that others admit to their demon/monsters. for that, and your writing skills and humanity, you will always be loved and held in reverence.

*hugs, Cat

p.s.
I have been lucky to have experiened thunder-snow

*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Sat, 2023-12-02 10:47

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You make me blush. You appeal to my basest instincts, and I'm resisting with all my might.
To know that I entertain some people with my twisted tales, and blunt force trauma.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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