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Will and Testament

Submitted by ES Poetry on Mon, 2023-05-01 18:25

I gave you money and song
I gave you poetry and rhyme
But I found it so difficult
to give you my time

I gave you flowers of pink
I gave you chocolate and wine
But I found it so challenging
To give you my time

I gave you a house and some kids
And a new sheepskin rug
But I found it challenging to
Give you that ‘love drug’

I gave you a garden of roses like
in your favourite song lines
I gave you your very own car
But I never gave you my time

My dear sweet wife
I thought you understood
I was not your lover
but an undercover makegood

When we said ‘I do’
It was a convenience contract
If only I knew
What would become of our pact

Over time you grew bitter
And developed a scorn
Hating my guts
see me dead on our lawn

Then that frightful Tuesday
You grabbed a sharp knife
Stabbed me in the heart and
Twisted it- window wife

And now I am your ghost
Sorrowful and alone
It turns out I do indeed love you
How could I have not known?

I know you will cope
For me it is the end
For you- a new beginning
You have my money to spend

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-05-01 18:25

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Will and Testament" tells the story of a man who believed he had given his wife everything she could ever want - money, gifts, and possessions - except for the one thing she needed most: his time. The poem takes a dark turn when the wife murders the protagonist, revealing that their marriage was nothing more than a convenience contract. The poem has a clear story arc and a surprise ending, but it feels disjointed at times and the rhyme scheme is inconsistent.

One suggested line edit would be to change "I found it challenging" in the second and fourth stanzas to "It was a struggle" to maintain consistency in the rhyme scheme and to add emphasis to the difficulties the protagonist faced in giving his time to his wife.

Overall, the poem's concept is intriguing, but the execution could use some refinement. The rhyme scheme and meter could benefit from more consistency, and some lines feel forced or awkward. Additionally, the sudden shift to a murder plotline feels jarring and could use more development to fully sell the twist ending.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

ES Poetry

Mon, 2023-05-01 18:55

Me

Thank you Bot
I am trying to create poetry from a different perspective, as somebody else
its quite challenging !

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2023-05-01 21:32