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A Youthful Enterprise

Submitted by paleoray on Sat, 2023-09-16 23:10

Pennies, nickels and some quarters,
Held in cans by little hoarders,
Who are yelling,
As they’re selling
Some refreshment on their street;
To each neighbor,
With some labor,
And to everyone they meet.

Signs are raised with youthful passion -
Held in angled, crooked fashion,
While they’re jumping,
And they’re bumping -
Causing drinks to slosh in place;
Which they wipe up,
And they swipe up
In a flash like it’s a race.

Cars all stop as people park it,
For drinks priced below the market,
As small pixies
Sell tall Dixies,
Filled with ice and lemonade;
To the locals,
And the yokels -
One by one they ply their trade.

When their liquid lemon ceases,
Then they put away the pieces -
While their counting
Of wealth mounting
From a day of enterprise;
Proud reaction -
Satisfaction -
You can see it in their eyes.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week September 17th to September 23rd 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-09-17 05:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Youthful Enterprise" effectively employs a consistent rhyme scheme and meter, contributing to a rhythmic flow that enhances the narrative. The use of vivid imagery and playful language paints a clear picture of the scene, allowing readers to immerse themselves in the youthful energy and entrepreneurial spirit depicted.

However, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of its themes. While the narrative is engaging, it remains largely surface-level, focusing on the actions of the children without delving into their motivations or feelings. The final stanza begins to touch on this, hinting at a sense of pride and satisfaction, but these emotions could be further developed throughout the poem.

Additionally, the use of the term "yokels" may be considered derogatory by some readers. It's important to consider the potential impact of language choices on the tone of the poem and the way it is received by different audiences.

Lastly, the poem might benefit from a more varied vocabulary. While the language is accessible and appropriate for the subject matter, introducing more complex or unexpected words could add depth and interest to the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Mon, 2023-09-18 14:47

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Joyful! Brings back memories of my youth some sixty years ago, memories of my children's youth, and evokes a sense of innocence. I still occasionally see lemonade stands in neighborhoods, and it warms my heart. Clever word play with "small pixies" and "tall Dixies." Nice, tight rhyme pattern which adds to the jovial feeling. Love that final line.
Thanks for this!
L

paleoray

Wed, 2023-10-04 02:53

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Thank you very much for your kind words regarding this poem. I am so glad that you enjoyed this children’s poem regarding a child’s lemonade stand. I was trying to capture a whimsical fast paced child-like atmosphere here with both the meter and word imagery in this poem. My children (and myself included) loved selling lemonade on the street in our neighborhood when they were young. It was such fun watching them get excited every time someone stopped to buy some lemon drinks from them. I can still see the enthusiasm in their eyes to this day. Thank you once again stopping by to read my poem and for sharing your kind words.

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