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Falling shadow

Submitted by Mini on Mon, 2024-06-03 04:22

A shadow falls upon my heart,
The light of joy does fade.
In empty chambers, empty tears,
My soul, in sorrow, weighed.

The murmur in the world dies
the dark thoughts of which I smell,
As I tread my heavy tread.
In solitary hell.

Days long, nights cold
In grief, my spirit lies.
I gallop aimless through the dark,
Beneath these weary skies.

Grey without end, without light, without hope
Depression's cruel embrace.
A silent scream for every day,
A slow, unyielding race.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
06/24 Living With Depression
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-06-03 10:22

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Falling shadow" effectively conveys a sense of deep despair and hopelessness through its imagery and emotional tone. The use of metaphors like "A shadow falls upon my heart" and "In solitary hell" effectively captures the feeling of being consumed by darkness and sorrow. The repetition of words like "empty" and "weary" adds to the sense of desolation and emotional exhaustion portrayed in the poem.

However, there are areas where the poem could be strengthened. Consider varying the structure of the stanzas to create a more dynamic flow and rhythm. Additionally, try to incorporate more vivid and specific imagery to evoke a stronger emotional response from the reader. This could involve using sensory details or unique comparisons to paint a clearer picture of the speaker's emotional state.

Overall, "Falling shadow" effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and despair, but refining the structure and imagery could enhance the impact of the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2024-06-04 08:17

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My critique will focus mostly on making the lines smoother
and trying to add a little more descriptive language.
Your portrayal of depression is spot on, and I have tried not to change your poem,
other than to make it more readable.

Here are some changes to that effect:

In [hollow] chambers, empty tears

The murmur [of] the world [does] die

As I [step] with heavy tread

Days [so] long, nights [frigid] cold

Grey without end, without light [or] hope

As per any of my critique, use, lose or twist it for your own.

BTW, this is not free verse, it is Structured Western.

~ Geezer.
.

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