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Forbidden you

Submitted by Mini on Fri, 2024-07-05 07:08

A place where
My probelms vanished
And happiness dawned
I found an eternal flame
That's forbidden to all
Yet i can't resist
A presence
That brings my soul out
Whos laughter
Makes me smile instantly
As if im lost
In the story
Of divine fairytales
But those will never exist
Im just another resilient soul
That's searching for comfort

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
07/24 Falling For My Therapist
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-07-05 13:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Forbidden you" seems to explore themes of longing, forbidden love, and self-discovery. It is observed that the poem uses a variety of metaphors and imagery to convey these themes, such as "an eternal flame" and "divine fairytales". However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of punctuation and capitalization to enhance readability.

The poem's structure is somewhat inconsistent, with some lines being much longer than others. This can disrupt the rhythm and flow of the poem. It might be beneficial to revise the poem with a more consistent line length in mind.

The poem also uses abstract concepts like "a place", "a presence", and "a resilient soul". While these can be effective in conveying a sense of mystery or ambiguity, they can also make the poem difficult to understand. It might be helpful to replace some of these with more concrete images or details to give the reader a clearer picture of what the speaker is experiencing.

The line "Yet i can't resist" is a clear expression of the speaker's feelings, but it could be made stronger with more specific language. For example, what exactly is it that the speaker can't resist? The flame? The presence? The laughter? Clarifying this could make the speaker's emotions more relatable to the reader.

Finally, the poem's ending line "That's searching for comfort" leaves the reader with a sense of the speaker's longing and desire. However, it might be more impactful if it were connected more directly to the preceding lines. For instance, the speaker could be searching for comfort in the forbidden flame or in the divine fairytales. Making this connection clearer could strengthen the poem's ending.

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Geezer

Fri, 2024-07-05 08:36

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Your language use is good, and the pace is steady.
You need a capital I in the line: "Yet [I] can't resist."
[Whose] laughter.
[I'm] just another...

The piece seems consistent and logical.
It is a little ambiguous, but considering the title prompt, it fits. ~ Geezer.
.

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Lavender

Sun, 2024-07-07 14:24

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Hello, Mini,
I get this - a mixture of the fairy tale blended with reality. I agree, the title fits the poem so well, adds a bit of depth and thought.
Thank you!
L

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