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Sun’s Dwindling Contentment
The day comes on strong
Pushes it’s way through.
Blasting the sky with light
Canvasses with beautiful color
Hues so brilliant there are no words.
Eventually the dawn mist dissipates
Arcs to the proposed high temperature.
Unbearable and dank from all the steaming humidity.
The sun burns even hotter, unmoved by the peasants sweltering
Unbothered it shines on effortlessly.
As the clock ticks by, it loses its fight.
In a bitter fit splashes fiery red and burnt orange as it goes down fully extinguished.
Relinquishes coldly as the moon’s unwilling accomplice.
Eventually gives way to the night and becomes darkness.
All the attention is transitioned to ponder on the moon’s grand magnificence.
Applauded by twinkling stars and celestially donned.
Onlookers cast dreams and silently wonder
Reflecting if there was ever a need for the sun at all.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-07-27 21:02
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Sun's Dwindling Contentment" explores the transition from day to night and the contrasting perceptions of the sun and the moon. The imagery used to describe the sun's presence is vivid and evocative, creating a strong visual impact. The poem also touches upon the idea of the moon's grandeur and the potential insignificance of the sun.
One suggestion for improvement would be to work on the flow and structure of the poem. While the poem contains strong imagery, some of the lines feel disjointed and could benefit from smoother transitions. Consider revisiting the line breaks and punctuation to enhance the overall rhythm and coherence of the poem.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from further development of its central theme. The contrast between the sun and the moon is intriguing, but it would be helpful to explore this idea in more depth. Consider expanding on the significance of the sun's dwindling contentment and its implications for the world and its inhabitants.
Overall, "Sun's Dwindling Content
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Geezer
Fri, 2023-07-28 09:56
Yes...
The piece does feel disjointed and that may be the product of irregular punctuation and line breaks. I like the theme and if it weren't for all the big grown up words, it would suggest some kind of cautionary children's tale. ~ Geezer.
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