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A Way Out (final re-write)

Submitted by Rula on Thu, 2024-06-06 12:35

As night pulls down its wild dark curtains
And heavy eyelids drop lazily,
I ponder with spider-like loomed shadows,
Thoughts torture my broken, weary soul.

Everything around my room plays tricks;
Shadows with shattered hearts wander,
Carrying bloody, slaughtered dreams,
All howl, moan in pain, "that's insane, that's insane."

I seek a way out, is there no escape?
The door's locked with heavy chains.
Windows, it seems, are all covered with tar,
Behind the sill, bars add weight.

Then more spirits seep in, multiplying,
From nowhere, to heighten the scene.
I try to cry, but my own voice chokes me,
Then a louder voice declares, "There is no way out."

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
How to use imagery in poetry..
Contest: 
06/24 Living With Depression
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-06-06 18:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses vivid and intense imagery to convey a sense of despair and entrapment. The use of metaphors, such as "night pulls down its wild dark curtains" and "shadows with shattered hearts wander," adds depth to the poem and helps to create a haunting atmosphere.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of meter and rhyme. The inconsistent rhythm and rhyme scheme can make the poem feel disjointed and can distract from the overall message.

Additionally, the poem's theme of despair and entrapment is quite clear, but it might be interesting to explore this theme in a more nuanced way. For example, the poem could delve deeper into the speaker's emotions and thoughts, or it could introduce some element of hope or resistance to contrast with the despair.

The line "Then a louder voice declares, 'There is no way out.'" is a powerful ending, but it might be even more impactful if the poem built up to this moment more gradually. As it stands, the ending feels a bit abrupt.

Lastly, the line "All howl, moan in pain, 'that's insane, that's insane.'" is a bit unclear. It's not clear who is saying "that's insane," or why they are saying it. Clarifying this could help to strengthen the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

scribbler

Thu, 2024-06-06 12:46

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final revision. This highlights the use of imagery in poetry

Leslie

Thu, 2024-06-06 15:55

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I choose not to critique this, but will say that often it seems to me that there is no escape from pain and suffering, only for brief fleeting moments. Only long enough for us to catch our second wind.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

Rula

Fri, 2024-06-07 05:49

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Your visit and comments add to my pleasure.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

tyro

Sun, 2024-06-09 13:52

I think you did a good job with the images, some of them were very powerful. Must say, the ending caugh me by surprise.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

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