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Alien Nation???

Submitted by Alan Garfoot on Sun, 2023-08-13 09:06

As all peoples fight each other in their alienation,
And a primed invasion lies awaiting authorisation,
As hostile warriors undergo deathly indoctrination,
To then invade and crush every planet and nation.

An interstellar empire of wrath, destruction and void,
All tactics and means to execute their plan they employ,
And with a brutal heart of conquest and a will to destroy,
Their success will render our civilizations as their toys.

The commanding master race’s star of a sinister will,
Obsessed with eternal torment with intention to kill,
Controlling the masses through the compulsive thrill,
Replacing our compassion with a pure power of evil.

For the true horrors hidden in space are truths so raw,
Not like our Atlantis and Lemuria of our times from before,
The immortal heart to fight them must be strong and pure,
For to barter our peace ultimately we must prepare for war.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
August 2023 Challenge A Strange Story
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-08-13 15:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Alien Nation???" presents a vivid picture of an impending alien invasion, employing strong imagery and a consistent rhyme scheme. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Clarity: The poem seems to be a metaphor for conflict and war, but the metaphor is not entirely clear. Is the "alien nation" a symbol for a specific group or type of conflict? Clarifying this could help readers connect more deeply with the poem.

2. Word Choice: The poem uses a lot of strong, dramatic language ("wrath, destruction and void", "brutal heart of conquest", "pure power of evil"). While this can create a powerful effect, it can also be overwhelming and detract from the poem's message. Consider using more subtle language to convey the same ideas.

3. Structure: The poem's structure is consistent, with each stanza containing four lines and a consistent rhyme scheme. However, the rhythm of the poem is somewhat uneven, which can make it difficult to read. Consider revising the poem to create a more consistent rhythm.

4. Theme: The theme of the poem is quite dark, focusing on conflict, destruction, and evil. While this can be a powerful theme, it's important to balance this with some element of hope or resolution. Consider adding a stanza that offers some form of resolution or hope for the future.

5. Imagery: The poem uses strong imagery to convey its themes. However, some of the images are quite abstract ("interstellar empire of wrath", "star of a sinister will"). Consider using more concrete imagery to help readers visualize the scenes you're describing.

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RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-08-13 11:40

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There always seems to be a new Overlord ready to take over. I really like the science-fiction, yet realistic idea to this poem. Nice flow and use of language and rhyme. Well done!

~RoseBlack~

Alan Garfoot

Sun, 2023-08-13 15:31

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thank you mate,

invasion has been the most realistic part of human society since the great flood submerged atlantis

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