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Breakdown Impending
In the chaos of my fragmented damaged mind,
Will feeling so torn in it's tainted nature so dark,
Like somebody corrupted the original design,
And turned to waste what was once a true art.
Wandering through wastelands of soul desolation,
My broken heart beaten through a life of such woe,
My spirit cries out drowning in seas of suffocation,
Overcome by trauma of a lifetime of such sorrow.
My consciousness damaged by the spiritual wounds,
Inflicted in envy through a burning desire to destroy,
My ambitions now immolated by fire are consumed,
As just another one of idealisms damaged worn toys.
As I wake to a misery that rots to the core with despair,
My being now so broken by the damaged life I pursued,
Accepting the cursed scars of a fate to not heal or repair,
My birthright to suffer for the joy of others being abused.
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-07-30 18:00
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
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Geezer
Mon, 2023-07-31 13:54
How interesting...
that you pay such attention to the punctuation at the end of your lines, yet the
in-sentence punctuation is completely missing. I would expect that there would be commas in between
descriptive terms on your subjects and the continuation of an idea.
Example:
fragmented, damaged mind.
damaged, worn toys
Depending on how you mean, or if you mean, [Will]
I would use a comma after it.
My broken heart[,] beaten through a life of such woe.
My spirit cries out[,] drowning in seas of suffocation
The use of the word damaged so many times, suggests that you may have a limited vocabulary,
[I don't think that,] but it is suggested. Try to find another word to use at least a time or two.
A story of the trauma inflicted upon your psyche, which has produced a [damaged] human-being.
The last few lines are unclear as to who they abusers were. A good piece, it just needs a little work. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Alan Garfoot
Mon, 2023-07-31 15:07
good critique mate, will bear
good critique mate, will bear in mind for the final edit....
Thankyou...
A.P.
author commentRoseBlack
Mon, 2023-07-31 19:01
Abuse and Trauma
No matter how we try to break the cycle, it always seems to be on repeat- this is a really good piece that really resonates. I am interested to see the final piece. Well done.
~RoseBlack~