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Devil Beneath the Dust
Some people live and some people lie
There's those who may choose to live in their lies
Disguising their cruelties in mounds of fake gold
The demons they leave to those fooled - left untold
The life that they lead, shrouds so devilishly dim
Intruding the mind of the gale through the wind
Their claws - sunken deep - the ripping and tear
But when you look up, there's only dust in the air
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I haven't been on here for a bit because I've been busy and travelling.
In the last line, I originally wrote "it seems nothing's there" but didn't think it quite captured and embodied the whole poem. Would it have been better if I hadn't changed it or is it richer now? Or should I write an entirely different one to end it?
Also, I don't think I'm quite finished with this poem, I feel like I can squeeze some more out of it.
Thank you :)
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2023-01-05 06:01
Hey
Good to read your writing again. I’m glad you did some traveling that’s always good for the psyche.
I’m not sure you need to add anymore to this. I definitely feel like it’s a complete thought. I think the last line is a bit cumbersome and I do feel like the flow would have been better with your original line “it seems there’s nothing there”. I get that you want something stronger or more interesting.
Some people live and some people lie
There are those who may choose to live in their lies
Disguising their cruelties in mounds of fake gold
The demons they leave to those fooled - left untold
The life that they lead, shrouds so devilishly dim
Intruding the mind of the gale through the wind
Their claws - sunken deep - they rip and they tear
You look up to find only dust in the air
Or
When you look up there’s just dust in the air
I changed the second line from there’s to there are. “There is those who may…” is an incongruous verb tense.
I changed line 7 as well to make the verb clause have the same tense as well.
I have a few options to consider with that last line. A thought I had was to use the word Disappear. I couldn’t figure a decent line to fit it into though. It’s a thought.
Nice job,
Tim