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Drowning in the Past
My tears and drowning feel much alike
For I try to scream but lose the fight
My barren words not enough to ease the shroud
Evaporating into an emotionless cloud
No, I can’t, I won’t go back
My rising fears to reverse the track
It seems so bland with glazing eyes
Mind and body torn for the prize
After such short time, was given hope
Found a brighter, better road
And now, to just lay down my work
I not bear to stand and look
So, from this chance to entrust myself
Be placed upon my higher shelf
To heal the past and pave the future
Backwards – I may have to venture
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Jackweb
Sat, 2022-11-12 06:36
The rhyme
In the poem, along with the metre helps make a musical poem. A regular rhyme aids the memory for recitation and gives a predictable pleasure.
Nice job!
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2022-11-12 08:26
Excellent and reflective
This is really on point. Indicative of your musicality. Obviously great rhythm and rhyme. I like the soft rhyming which I believe I’ve commented on before.
Excellent,
Tim
Flower Girl
Sun, 2022-11-13 02:27
Thanks Tim!
Thanks Tim!
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2022-11-12 10:42
I thought that maybe...
you might trim this down to make
the lines a little smoother. Here are some things I might do:
My tears and drowning feel much alike
I try to scream, but lose the fight
My barren words won't ease the shroud
Evaporating, in emotionaless clouds
In short time, I was given hope
I found a better, brighter road
Now, to just lay down my work
I cannot bear to stand and look
As always, these ideas are yours to use or not, maybe after some reflection
you may have a better idea. ~ Geezer.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Flower Girl
Sun, 2022-11-13 02:29
Hmmm...
I'll have a look over it and will probably get to editing it properly in a while. Thank you for the constructive suggestions.
- Bri :)
author commentRoseBlack
Sat, 2022-11-12 13:41
Nice work
Reflecting on where we have been, where we are and where we would like to be can be a difficult task but you displayed the motions and emotions beautifully here. Sometimes we have to go back to move forward. Good job!
~RoseBlack~
Flower Girl
Sun, 2022-11-13 02:31
Precisely!!
It is always a great feeling when someone understands the full and raw nature of your poem. This really makes me feel heard and I'm sure others would relate as well.
- Bri :)
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