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Patient Mental Scientist

Submitted by Alan Garfoot on Fri, 2023-08-04 15:31

As I read the words written between the lines,
I hear the thoughts hidden between the words,
So wait a minute measuring the passage of time,
While our reason crystallises out from fluids absurd.

Concepts and symbols align relativities of meaning,
With their lines of thought still occluded in stealth,
While fluctuations distort facts whilst day-dreamsing,
The passive observer questions their mental health.

An idea blazes out across their luminiferous ether,
To the reactive zones of a receiving receptive mind,
Into the neuro-fractal transduction of a thinking creature,
To the original expression embodied within innate design.

The sentient subliminal structures of a telepathic sub-nexus,
And objective mental imagery through an aura transmitted,
Are represented through the emotions within the solar plexus,
As mental patient psychiatrists anticipate a day to be committed.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
August 2023 Challenge A Strange Story
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Fri, 2023-08-04 21:32

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem demonstrates a strong command of language and a deep understanding of complex concepts. The use of intricate vocabulary and scientific terminology adds a layer of sophistication and intellectual depth. However, it also risks alienating readers who may not be familiar with these terms. Simplifying some of the language or providing more context could help make the poem more accessible to a wider audience.

The poem's structure is consistent, which aids in its readability. Each stanza contains four lines, and the rhyme scheme is consistent throughout. This gives the poem a rhythmic quality that can help engage the reader.

The poem's theme appears to be the exploration of the mind and the nature of thought. This is a complex and challenging topic, and the poem does a good job of exploring it in a nuanced and thoughtful way. However, the final line introduces a new concept - mental patient psychiatrists - that feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. It might be beneficial to introduce this idea earlier in the poem or to provide more context to help the reader understand its relevance.

The use of imagery is effective in conveying the abstract concepts the poem explores. Phrases like "fluctuations distort facts whilst day-dreamsing" and "the sentient subliminal structures of a telepathic sub-nexus" create vivid mental pictures that help the reader grasp the poem's complex ideas. However, some of the imagery is quite abstract, which can make it difficult for the reader to understand. Providing more concrete images could help clarify the poem's meaning.

Overall, this poem is well-written and thought-provoking, but could benefit from clearer language and more concrete imagery.

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