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Presence
Sometimes I long
for your presence,
though it's just a fleeting shadow
nearly nonexistent
But when its there
it hurts deeply
It's so engraved in my being
that having you nearby
becomes unbearable.
My breath becomes shallow
my heart beats faster
I feel overwhelmed
by a dislike for the impact you have on me.
I hate how you cause me
to completely lose myself
all while remaining unaware.
I resent my inability to forget you,
and most of all,
I despise that I love you.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-05-11 15:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Presence" effectively communicates a sense of longing and emotional turmoil, using vivid imagery and emotive language. The use of contrasting emotions, such as longing and resentment, creates an engaging tension that draws the reader in.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The line "it hurts deeply" is somewhat generic and could benefit from more specific, evocative language to better convey the speaker's pain. Similarly, the phrase "I feel overwhelmed" could be replaced with more concrete imagery or sensory details to create a stronger emotional impact.
The poem could also benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality and flow. The current free verse structure works, but a more rhythmic structure could add another layer of complexity and interest.
The ending of the poem is impactful, revealing the speaker's love for the person they are addressing. However, the transition to this revelation could be smoother. The sudden shift from resentment to love is a bit jarring and could be made more gradual or hinted at earlier in the poem to make the ending feel more earned.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates a complex emotional state, but could benefit from more specific language, a more consistent rhythm, and a smoother transition to the ending.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Sat, 2024-05-11 11:55
Ahhh, yes...
the old love/hate relationship. I like this; it shows that we can be of two minds when we are so enamored with another person.
Life isn't fair, sometimes, the things we want aren't good for us. Nice job, well done. ~ Geezer.
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