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Solemn Bells
Solemn Bells
When doves are abandoned
So returns your honor to love
The lump in your throat swells
The cohesion of tears tumbles
Taste bitter down the side of your face
Despair leaves nothing to lawfully object
The place seems surreal and forsaken
But the deafening ring reminds you
To blink and breathe in the last scent
Hands solemnly trace the dress laid to rest
Happy couple speeches go unuttered
As the altar possession is halted
Centerpieces unravel and cake stales
Wine pours jilted as toast flutes fizzle
Stomachs tie in knots contesting
Spew in hate convulsing
Bell vase shatters, filled with rage
Mirrors deaden and masks conceal
How long has this union abandoned
White Fire pleasure and red hot desire
Candles die while wicks flicker
The flame of sealed vows kept locked
Chest closed and Key bound
Hidden from being flung below
As Paris burns so does heart’s innocence
Engulfed by love’s once promised embrace
Bliss comes at a cost when kisses fail to linger
Risk wages and tears of joy hinges from the very start
Threshold diminish to cherish this day forward
And trains waltz pass the night poorer
Worse off wed in sickness and health, why does death do us apart?
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-08-03 15:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem presents a vivid imagery of a wedding scene that's filled with despair and disillusionment. The use of metaphors and similes is commendable, as they add depth to the narrative and evoke strong emotions. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme to enhance its musical quality.
The line, "When others go / So does your honor to love" could be made clearer. It's not immediately apparent what "others" refers to, and this ambiguity might confuse readers.
The phrase, "Despair leaves nothing to lawfully object" is intriguing but could be clarified. The use of "lawfully" in this context is unusual and might not convey the intended meaning.
The line, "Bell vase shatter filled with rage" could be grammatically improved. It might be clearer to say, "Bell vase shatters, filled with rage" or "Bell vase, filled with rage, shatters."
The phrase, "Candles blow while wicks flicker" is a strong image, but the verb "blow" is typically used for wind, not candles. Consider revising this to "Candles flicker and wane" or "Candles die while wicks flicker."
The poem ends on a powerful note with the line, "Worse off wed In sickness and health why death do us apart." However, the grammar could be improved for clarity. Consider revising it to, "Worse off wed in sickness and health, why does death do us apart?"
Overall, the poem effectively conveys a sense of despair and disillusionment. With some revisions to improve clarity and grammar, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Triskelion
Fri, 2023-08-04 11:55
Just a heads up
..to yourself or other contestants. I think I read somewhere about not using the contest name in the poem's title? Maybe someone else will chime in on that.
I like your interpretation of the photo provided for the contest, even if it forebodes feelings of long-term happiness. At least, that's what I read into it.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Lavender
Fri, 2023-08-04 14:37
Solemn Bells
Hello!
Solemn, indeed. A vivid description of the symbolism of weddings, and the actual physical elements of a wedding. I feel the hesitation, and what seems like strong remorse and uncertainty.
Thank you!
L