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Waiting
I loved you my whole life
With all of me
And I'll keep loving you
Even with all this agony and pain
And I'll wait for you until
The stars fade
The rivers turn dry
And the mountains crumble into dust
The sun refuses to shine
The moon loses its glow
The universe goes dark
I'll wait for you
Until the last breath escapes me
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-05-18 09:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Waiting" presents a strong emotional narrative of enduring love. It effectively uses hyperbolic imagery to convey the depth of the speaker's feelings. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Variety in Sentence Structure: The poem has a repetitive structure, which can be effective in emphasizing the speaker's determination. However, this repetition might also make the poem seem monotonous. Consider varying sentence structure or introducing new elements to keep the reader engaged.
2. Show, Don't Tell: The poem tells the reader about the speaker's love and pain, but it could be more powerful if it showed these emotions. Instead of saying "Even with all this agony and pain," consider using metaphor, simile, or other figurative language to show the reader what this pain feels like.
3. Specificity: The poem uses broad, universal images (stars, rivers, mountains, sun, moon, universe). While these effectively convey the enormity of the speaker's feelings, they could also be seen as cliché. Consider using more specific, unique images to make the poem more personal and distinctive.
4. Punctuation: The poem lacks punctuation, which can create a sense of urgency or breathlessness. However, strategic use of punctuation could help control the pace of the poem and add emphasis to certain lines or phrases.
5. Rhythm and Meter: The poem lacks a consistent rhythm or meter. While free verse can be very effective, a more consistent rhythm or meter could add a musical quality to the poem and make it more pleasurable to read.
6. Word Choice: The poem uses simple, straightforward language, which makes it accessible. However, more complex or unusual word choices could add depth and richness to the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Sat, 2024-05-18 09:24
The emphatic...
lines expressed here, are most assuredly bold statements of an undying love.
The only thing I see that I would change, is the very first word of the poem.
I would use [I've] loved, instead of [I] loved. ~ Geezer.
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