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Why

Submitted by Mini on Tue, 2024-05-14 16:20

Why is my fate like that
Why can't my fate be your fate
Why can't your world
Colide with mine
Why can't we be
Like two swans
That will die for one another
Who's souls are
intertwined together
Like two hearts
Beating as one
Like two jasmine vines
Interwoven together?
I know why
Because the time is demiseing
I feel it
I know it

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 05/12/24 to 05/18/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-05-14 22:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem titled "Why" presents a strong emotional appeal and effectively uses rhetorical questions to engage the reader. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency: The poem seems to lack a consistent rhythm or meter, which can make it feel disjointed. Consider revising the poem to have a more consistent rhythm, which can help to enhance the overall flow and readability.

2. Spelling and Grammar: There are a few spelling and grammatical errors in the poem. For instance, "Colide" should be "Collide", "demiseing" should be "demising", and "Who's souls are" should be "Whose souls are". Correcting these errors will improve the clarity of the poem.

3. Imagery: The poem uses beautiful imagery, such as "two swans" and "two jasmine vines". However, these images could be developed further to create a more vivid picture in the reader's mind. For example, you could describe the swans and jasmine vines in more detail, or use similes or metaphors to compare them to other things.

4. Theme Development: The theme of unrequited love and longing is clear, but the reason for this longing is not. The last lines suggest that time is a factor, but this is not developed throughout the poem. Consider expanding on this idea to give the reader a better understanding of the speaker's situation.

5. Punctuation: The poem lacks punctuation, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow. Adding punctuation can help to clarify the meaning of the poem and guide the reader through its rhythm and flow.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

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