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Within the Eye
Mindless obedience, the cycle
Holding temporary words so dear
One would die at the chance to encounter
Yet, so insignificant for the protruding figure
Standards of the self, thrown through
Since found our loves and shrines of joy
No need or soul that’s left to prove
Escape from their conniving ploy
Together we’ll break from society bounds
Recalling moments they’d hide and cave
Show our strength out from the crowds
To mould this new-found sense of safe
Free, emerging the cocoon of suffocation
The blooming flower into power and hope
Flourished existence, euphoric contemplation
Warping, cutting through the tethered rope
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This poem projects the message of not being a mindless sheep in the herd of society but to instead realise the flaws and injustices that are going on within the system and to write the wrongs. To explore yourself away from the social media and blemishes telling you what's good enough or not. Be free of expectation and opinion, accepting your whole and true self.
Enjoy!
- Bri :)
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-09-21 00:40
Wow!!
Creativity emanates from among your fragrant letters with the most beautiful meanings. I love your alternate rhyme sheme. That's beautiful!
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Flower Girl
Thu, 2022-09-29 00:46
Thank you Jackweb!
Thank you for your beautiful comment! I really put my heart and soul into this piece and with certain special poems I like to give them even more flow and meaning with a rhyming scheme. For me, it's always so uplifting and heart-warming to see support and understanding from others who emanate my own creative vision as well.
- Bri :)
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Wed, 2022-09-28 21:46
Yeah I agree
This is really great. I wish I wrote it, lol. Seriously though I really love every line, I agree with the internal theme. This is a new safe place for me, I’ve made some tremendous connections with other members here and I continue to be utterly impressed by a great many of their poems. All that being said, I think the competition will be at their best, at least I hope so. I really liked Abby’s “Day and Night”. Yours really reminds me of my writing voice and I don’t think I could do better and I don’t think I could suggest anything currently that would strengthen this poem. I love it!
Tim
Flower Girl
Thu, 2022-09-29 00:37
Thank you
This actually means so much to me and it is so amazing to hear this about a poem that has so much value to my personal growth and ambition.
I wrote this poem quite differently than I would usually write. Rather than a normal line by line structure, I typed up a 150 word monologue into Word and highlighted certain phrases and words that I really wanted to capture and reverberate within the poem, creating a stanza for each one. And since I already had a clear idea of the message and flow, I could just piece it together like a puzzle.
The fact that you were able to relate and connect with my poem is always such a special feeling and since starting writing this year, I can't begin to describe the relief and weight that has been lifted from my heart and into a more creative outlet.
- Bri :)
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2022-09-29 01:25
Like I said
Bri.
It’s awesome and relatable. You write very well and I urge you vehemently to continue with it. It’s a pleasure to read and also to make your acquaintance. I totally look forward to reading more from you and I’m always down to listen if you just need to talk, open ended invitation with no strings…my inbox is always open and I’ve made some really super friends here whom I feel just absolutely nurture the hell out of me. I hope you also continue to feel this way about your interactions here.
Excellent writing
Tim