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22 (Pure machinery)

Submitted by M4GG0TM3NT4L on Sun, 2023-07-16 14:35

At this point,
i am convinced I am a machine.
Synthetic man, unheard and unseen.
How badly i wish
I was clean.
Like an old computer caked in dust,
That never seems
to come completely off.
Surviving is a must.
Wake up.
go to sleep.
routines that never end
and code that circles into itself.
Go to the store.
Wash your face.
Hope that someday, somehow, some way
You'll get out of this fucking place
taking care of myself.
in the shower again.
Scrub. scrub.
violently scraping away my skin
and still i am dirty.
The water is scalding
But it doesn't hurt.
Nothing hurts enough to matter.
When does it end?
when do the pills start working?
when do i shake off the feeling of being ill?
It's a brand new day;
Wake up.
Go to sleep.
Ignore the blood.
repeat.
repeat. repeat repeat REPEAT.
I can't remember who i used to be.
I don't know,
what it means to be me.
When i die, no one will mourn,
Can one even die,
if they never were born?
I am a simple machine.
Who yearns to be more.
I wake up again
... feeling sore.
Singing
monotonous tones
Alone, Alone,
They won't notice when I'm gone.
Reduced to rotting flesh
'nd yellow bones.
I will never be more.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-07-16 20:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "22 (Pure machinery)" explores the theme of feeling trapped and dehumanized, comparing oneself to a machine. The repetition and use of routine in the poem effectively convey a sense of monotony and despair. The imagery of being dirty and the violent act of scrubbing in the shower add to the overall feeling of being trapped and unable to escape one's circumstances.

One suggestion for improvement would be to further develop the imagery and metaphor of being a machine. While the poem touches on this theme, it could benefit from more specific and vivid descriptions that evoke the mechanical nature of the speaker's existence. This could help strengthen the overall impact of the poem and create a more cohesive and immersive experience for the reader.

Additionally, consider exploring the emotional aspect of the speaker's experience. The poem hints at feelings of numbness and detachment, but delving deeper into the speaker's emotional state could add depth and complexity to the piece. This could be achieved through the use of specific sensory details, metaphors

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-07-17 00:55

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all of us!
We wear out, we mess up if misaligned, we need constant adjustment.
That adjustment needs to come through learning; explore, try new stuff!
It doesn't have to be a huge jump. Hey, even if you just look around to see what there is to see.
[That way you can plan your escape route].

Your title is good, it made me want to read the poem.
Your language is good, plain and to the point, [like a machine]
I understand the theme,I'm just not particulary fond of it.
I enjoyed finding my way in the beginning and managed quite well in the middle,
I wasn't surprised at the end; I thought maybe you had a twist for me though.

~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

M4GG0TM3NT4L

Mon, 2023-07-17 13:09

M4GG0TM3NT4L's picture

That this is not my best work, as i did not let the poem simmer in the recesses of my mind long enough. nevertheless, I appreciate your feedback as always geezer!

-m4gg0t was here

you could call me soph if you'd like. 

       The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2023-07-17 16:03

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that even though I've been writing and posting for a long time now, I still get anxious to post something and rush it before it's simmered into soup. Not to worry, there is always time to put things right, take suggestions or a second look and see something that I missed or botched. That is why we have an edit feature! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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