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25 (Out of my mind)
the humming,
of fluorescent lights
Monotonous tone,
drowning out the night
Constant, everywhere I go,
It meets me like an old friend
I hear it, in my classrooms,
Behind me, warm and smiling,
Staring at me.
staring
at
me.
Under the buzz,
lie whispers only I can hear,
They say it with hate,
with rot and mildew,
its voice grates against my ear,
It wants me to disappear.
Hot breath down my neck,
It feels like Tv static,
And suddenly I can't remember anything,
from that day,
nothing more than faint glimpses
And I'm in my bed again.
was it real?
I keep hearing the phone ringing
brrring, brrriing
a tap on the window.
but it's only an illusion,
Briiing, briiiing,, brrriiing
The chiming of bells,
Where do
dreams end?
when does reality begin?
This is my own personal hell
briiiing.... briiing...
But there was never anyone
on the other line.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
it's getting bad again i think. i'll be okay though.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-10-31 04:01
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "25 (Out of my mind)" explores the theme of auditory hallucinations and the blurring of reality and dreams. The use of sensory imagery, particularly the humming of fluorescent lights and the constant ringing of the phone, effectively conveys a sense of unease and disorientation. The repetition of sounds, such as "brrring, brrriing" and "briiiing, briiing," adds to the overall atmosphere of confusion and distress.
One suggestion for improvement would be to further develop the emotional impact of the poem. While the sensory descriptions are vivid, the poem could benefit from delving deeper into the speaker's feelings and thoughts in response to these experiences. This could help create a stronger connection between the reader and the speaker's internal struggle.
Additionally, consider exploring the theme of isolation and its connection to the auditory hallucinations. How does the speaker's perception of reality affect their relationships with others? How does it shape their understanding of themselves? Expanding on
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Tue, 2023-10-31 13:40
At first...
I thought that you had veered off the emotional path that you had set for this one.
Then I realized that it was intentional after the next few lines.
In the fourteenth line "lays whispers only I can hear"; you should [use either lay with no ess or lie.]
I would use the word [them] instead of it, if you are speaking of the lies.
I suppose that you can use the word [glimpses], but I think it would be a bit smoother if the word were
[impressions]. Last line should be in past tense. [was].
Great poem, I know what you mean about those damned lights, especially the old ones, they buzz
and flicker, almost as if they have something to say. Maybe they do; with all the talking and activity that goes on under them, who knows, maybe they are learning to communicate? Nice stuff! ~ Geezer.
.
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M4GG0TM3NT4L
Wed, 2023-11-01 16:28
as always
i appreciate your feedback Geezer! you're very kind :)
-m4gg0t was here
you could call me soph if you'd like.
The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.
author commentLavender
Wed, 2023-11-01 17:17
25
Very visceral feelings. I sense the frustration and the "personal hell." I hope it helps a bit to write your poetry. Strong imagery and language.
Thank you,
L
M4GG0TM3NT4L
Wed, 2023-11-01 20:22
Art has always
been my outlet. its how i get the things inside my head out! i appreciate your kind words :)
-m4gg0t was here
you could call me soph if you'd like.
The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.
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