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10
I die
for you everyday.
in every form. every way.
alive again, I walk
cursed to hurt and burn
forced to talk
I hold you harshly, because
I cannot bear to let you go.
to lose is to be lost.
a cost I hope never to afford.
can you see it?
The hunger in my eyes when I look
At you?
A horrible lust that never subsides,
but you don't mind.
You're far too soft and kind
I look at you and
Die once more.
over and over.
a life lived a thousand times
but it's worth it.
I'd rather continue on than never feel
the cold comfort of a knife again,
nor the taste of your lips and skin
I sleep, hoping not to wake up still.
but less so, for your sake.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-04-02 02:41
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "10" is a dark exploration of love and obsession. The speaker is consumed by a desire for their beloved, to the point of dying every day for them. The repetition of "I die" emphasizes the intensity of this feeling, while the imagery of being cursed and forced to talk adds to the sense of overwhelming despair. The line "forced to talk" could be edited to "forced to speak" to maintain the same syllable count and improve the flow of the line.
The speaker's love is possessive and all-consuming, as they hold their beloved harshly because they cannot bear to let them go. The line "to lose is to be lost" encapsulates the speaker's fear of being without their beloved, which they would consider a high cost. The poem's tone is both desperate and romantic, as the speaker expresses a deep longing for their beloved's touch and the taste of their lips and skin.
The poem's use of repetition and imagery is effective in creating a sense of obsession and longing. However, the language can be overly dramatic at times, such as in the line "a life lived a thousand times." Additionally, the poem's focus on the speaker's desire for their beloved may come across as selfish and unhealthy. Overall, "10" is a well-crafted poem that explores the darker side of love.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
M4GG0TM3NT4L
Mon, 2023-04-03 00:18
:3c
:3c
-m4gg0t was here
you could call me soph if you'd like.
The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2023-04-02 12:13
Well done
I love the expression of the deep, dark emotions that come with obsessive love. "I hold you harshly, because
I cannot bear to let you go." is my favorite line and resonates with me. Great job!
~RoseBlack~
Rosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2023-04-04 14:03
You said it
“to lose is to be lost.”
That’s something right there. An entire philosophy perhaps
Dig it
Tim