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12
I saw myself
In the reflection of a window pane.
And I found it strange
What was looking back at me,
burning through my skin with its yellow gaze
Is that really me?
flesh that is never freed.
surviving yes,
But never alive. Never feeling.
Who is that?
Who have I become?
I would give anything,
to be someone else,
to be better. to be good.
someone who is justified and understood,
I want to peel back my skin and
Die.
Reborn anew
maybe it would be better
Would it make you happier if
The light left my eyes?
Would you cry less? would you be rid of worry?
Because I am little more than a burden,
Someone else.
A new face
with clean teeth, a clean mind.
Or perhaps,
I would stay dead.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-04-17 17:34
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "12" is a poignant exploration of identity and self-discovery. The speaker's introspection is palpable as they confront their own reflection and question the person they have become. The use of imagery, particularly the description of the reflection with "yellow eyes," effectively conveys the speaker's unease with their own appearance.
The repetition of the phrase "someone else" emphasizes the speaker's desire for change and their frustration with their current state of being. The final lines of the poem, with their suggestion of death and rebirth, add a haunting quality to the overall tone.
One suggested line edit could be to change "burning through my skin with its' yellow eyes" to "burning through my skin with its yellow gaze." This small change would eliminate the unnecessary apostrophe and create a more cohesive and polished line.
Overall, "12" is a well-crafted and thought-provoking poem that successfully captures the complexities of self-exploration and the desire for change.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Tue, 2023-04-18 08:42
12
I find this so well written. It read at a smooth, even pace, and the theme dove deeper as the poem carried along. I suppose we've all had similar conversations with ourselves - looking at, or into, our reflections and our images of ourselves.
I am so glad you are here to share your generous gift of poetry.
L
M4GG0TM3NT4L
Tue, 2023-04-18 12:08
Thank you!!
your kind words are very much appreciated :)
-m4gg0t was here
you could call me soph if you'd like.
The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.
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