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18.

Submitted by M4GG0TM3NT4L on Fri, 2023-05-26 22:58

you sit alone,
in your room.
And no one sees it,
It only grows,
I know my family's history, I know how this goes
And I can't help but wonder,
If I did something wrong?
did I not hold you close, or long enough?
Was I,
Not strong enough?
How do I fix this?
How do I stop it?
The dance that the both of us go through,
Round and round and round,
One day fine,
Next bleeding
Round and round again,
Never ending, Never receding
My blade, cuts in to dance,
Oh fine silver,
Unforgiving and deep
How I hate you, for making me care,
You act like nothings wrong, Waltzing with flair
I wish,
That which hurts you would stay on the other end of
the ballroom,
Inaccessible, Locked up for good.
Don't you know that I need you?
Round,
Round,
And round once more,
The sound of sand beneath our feet,
slipping upon rocks along a sea shore,
sinking further and further in, practically drowned,
But the music hasn't stopped.
Don't you care how I feel?
The blood
suddenly makes it all real,
Despair as the music
hits a refrain,
And how I'm up and Dancing again!
In your haze,
Is where I find my rage
for those who lack the intelligence,
to care for you properly
Why am I the only one protecting you.
Will you always be just out of reach?
Smoke dowsed lungs
Round once again,
Give me your attention.
Focus on only me,
I remember what you said,
I remember, quite clearly,
"I think I'm addicted to you"
So draw enjoyment, from my touch
My blood,
If it keeps you safe, I'm willing to do anything.
please. take care of yourself.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
my girlfriend is seemingly having a difficult time.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-05-26 22:58

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "18" explores the complex emotions of a caregiver watching a loved one struggle with self-harm. The repetition of "round and round" emphasizes the cyclical nature of the problem and the frustration of not being able to break the pattern. The image of the "fine silver" blade cutting in to dance is both beautiful and chilling, highlighting the addictiveness of self-harm. The speaker's desperation to protect their loved one is palpable, as is the anger towards those who don't understand the situation.

However, the poem could benefit from some editing to improve flow and clarity. For example, the line "I feel you slip from my grasp" seems to come out of nowhere and could use some contextualization. Additionally, the line "The drug, Despair as the music hits a refrain" reads awkwardly and could be revised for smoother phrasing.

One suggested line edit would be to change "In your haze, Is where I find my rage" to "In your haze, I feel my own rage." This would make the line more grammatically correct and emphasize the speaker's personal emotional response to the situation.

Overall, "18" is a poignant and evocative poem that captures the pain and complexity of caring for someone struggling with self-harm. With some editing, it could be even more powerful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Sat, 2023-05-27 09:53

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incredibly powerful. I can feel every emotion, every cut and can visualize the blood. Your poem takes you through the feelings of despair, rage and relief once the cut is made- bleeding out the pain. Referring to it as a dance is cryptic and beautiful at the same time. Well done!

~RoseBlack~

M4GG0TM3NT4L

Sat, 2023-05-27 18:09

M4GG0TM3NT4L's picture

thanks so much! :)

-m4gg0t was here

you could call me soph if you'd like. 

       The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.

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