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4

when does
surviving become living?
writhing, shaking
the tears are hot and unwanted
what do they think of me?
dissecting my very being,
looking for whats wrong
and I
look into the mirror of my vanity
The girl I see, is wailing a horrible song
she's prettier than you, she proudly proclaims
for even she is sure of her own name
I shatter the glass, it scattering everywhere
blood dripping into my hair
and she's still THERE.
multiplied on each shard
she's cackling at my pathetic attempt
I don't know how much longer I can do this
clawing at my skin
no matter how hard I scratch it never comes off
The girl in the mirror,
encourages this feat,
The tears create
the same unwanted heat

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

except for the archaic [thou] thrown in there.
I think it would be more effective if you had stuck with the good old plain you.
The pacing is great and I appreciate the theme if not endorsing it. [I don't like
that you have emotional turmoil, but I applaud the work itself. The beginning is good
and it flows well to the end. Welcome to the site, [if I haven't already welcomed you].
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

i appreciate your guys's feed back a lot!!

-m4gg0t was here

you could call me soph if you'd like. 

       The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.

author comment

I like the idea and I think you did a great job conveying the idea. I would agree with Geezer and probably just use “you”. That might make the both of us appear “Holier than thou”. Sorry I’m a dad and so I’m required by law to make awful puns and terrible jokes.

Tim

it was a bit clunky wasn't it? i really appreciate your feedback though!! :)

-m4gg0t was here

you could call me soph if you'd like. 

       The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.

author comment
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